1. “I’m not being funny, but…”
I believe you. You are not about to be funny. You are, however, about to be indiscreet/unkind/objectionable/obnoxious/negative/critical/tedious/someone get me a large drink so I can get through the rest of this sentence.
2. “With respect…”
Nope… am looking hard but can’t see the respect coming in my direction any time soon #PermissionToBeABastardNotGranted
3. “Don’t overreact, but…”
I CAN’T HEAR YOU I AM TOO BUSY OVERREACTING. CALL THE POLICE.
4. “You’re going to hate this…”
Then why are you telling me? Stop talking immediately. Leave the country. Never darken my door again.
5. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
It’s fine. We will never get to the thing you need to tell me. I’ve already had a heart attack from fear and am now dead.
6. “So I had this dream…”
Five words that have put me into an actual coma.
7. “Can I trust you?”
Just say that a bit louder so I can make sure the four microphones I have secretly positioned around this room on behalf of the tabloid press have picked it up.
8. “I don’t want to be boring, but…”
Then don’t be.
9. “This is literally the funniest thing of all time.”
10. “I didn’t want to have to say this…”
Poor you. Your arm is being invisibly twisted by an external force for good to say something mean to me under the guise of concern.
11. “So we’ve all been talking, and…”
Errrrr… thanks for the invite #ParanoiaParanoiaParanoiaParanoia
12. “In the interest of being honest…”
Please don’t be.
13. “I know it’s outrageous of me to ask, but…”
I don’t want to organise your hen/be your bridesmaid/go out with your boring brother/lend you £5,000/let you borrow my Vilshenko dress/move into my house/have my car.
