… Bob Marley discovered he had cancer from kicking a football and I just stubbed my toe really badly, so let’s see if you think I’m still making a fuss when I’m dead.
… this hangover confirms that I have been abandoned by God and that there is real evil in the world.
… I haven’t slept since before Archduke Ferdinand was shot.
… if anyone in this room asks me my opinion on ‘Brexit’, I’m going to have to kill all of you and then myself.
… I feel it’s soon going to be a criminal offence not to be vegan, where the vegans will round you up and take you to vegan prison with no trial.
… it’s March. What’s next? Fucking April?
… I failed to choose the quicker queue at the supermarket check-out and now my week has been ruined.
… I do genuinely believe that if everyone had hand massages on a daily basis, there would be no war.
… I find new stationery and tidy airing cupboards more arousing than sex.
… when an octopus gets upset, it eats itself through stress, so me eating pizza for breakfast is actually level-headed.
… I saw a peacock feather in a shop this morning and then obviously I couldn’t find a parking space, so clearly I have an ancient curse from the time of the pharaohs plaguing me, probably forever.
… I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone like I love Will Smith’s Instagram.