cartoon, dramatic, overreact, drama queen

I’m not being dramatic, but…

… Bob Marley discovered he had cancer from kicking a football and I just stubbed my toe really badly, so let’s see if you think I’m still making a fuss when I’m dead.

… this hangover confirms that I have been abandoned by God and that there is real evil in the world.

I haven’t slept since before Archduke Ferdinand was shot.

… if anyone in this room asks me my opinion on ‘Brexit’, I’m going to have to kill all of you and then myself.

… I feel it’s soon going to be a criminal offence not to be vegan, where the vegans will round you up and take you to vegan prison with no trial.

… it’s March. What’s next? Fucking April?

… watching the trailer for the new Mary Poppins film makes me cry and then want to be sent to bed with no supper.

… I failed to choose the quicker queue at the supermarket check-out and now my week has been ruined.

… I do genuinely believe that if everyone had hand massages on a daily basis, there would be no war.

… I find new stationery and tidy airing cupboards more arousing than sex.

… when an octopus gets upset, it eats itself through stress, so me eating pizza for breakfast is actually level-headed.

… I saw a peacock feather in a shop this morning and then obviously I couldn’t find a parking space, so clearly I have an ancient curse from the time of the pharaohs plaguing me, probably forever.

… I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone like I love Will Smith’s Instagram.

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