you're still a rockstar, i whisper to myself as i take my multivitamin and get in bed at 9:00, uninvited to hot party

Things to say when you’re not invited to a hot party

  1. “I’m watching Line of Duty again from series one, so it’s not like I intend to leave the house for the next week.”
  2. “I meditate for an hour every evening after which I become reflective and peaceful, so I can’t then introduce loud music into my aura.”
  3. “I feel like my ex-boyfriend will be going with his new girlfriend, so if I went too and she saw me looking this thin, she might feel weird and I just want them to be happy.”
  4. I have Xanax. I don’t care about parties.”
  5. “It’s fine, canapés and people I don’t know just make me angry these days.”
  6. “That’s the night I’ve set aside to do my tax expense spreadsheet and it’s something I spend the whole year looking forward to, so it’s a relief not to have to turn down the invitation if I’m honest.”
  7. It’s full moon and Mercury’s in retrograde. Like anyone’s going to have a good time at that party, let’s not skirt around the truth here.”
  8. “I have an Ocado delivery at 7am tomorrow, I need an early night.”
  9. “I had a sex dream about Idris Elba last night that I want to somehow continue if I can, I need an early night.”
  10. “I don’t have any dresses that aren’t already on Instagram, there’s no way I could have gone.”
  11. I’ll never finish my book if I keep accepting party invitations and then I’ll get kicked out of book club and people will think I’m stupid.”
  12. The dog would have missed me.”
  13. “The cat gets insecure when I go out.”
  14. “I’ve got some leftovers on their last legs that I need to finish tonight. Did you know that the UK throws away £13 billion worth of food every year?”
  15. “I need to stay in and tidy up, the cleaner’s coming tomorrow and I don’t want her to think I’m slovenly.”
  16. “I could have gone if I’d wanted, I just didn’t want to and the reason I didn’t want to is because I’m suddenly very interested in learning Urdu and it’s not something you can just come and go from, it takes focus.”
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