amy schumer, white wine, huge glass of wine, drinking, chugging, alcoholic, marry, love, obsess

Things we want to marry

The AC unit

I thought it was all over for me. That the extreme heat would just finish me off and I would be found in a small puddle having totally melted away in the corner of my kitchen. But then I felt your icy blast. Heard the whir of your internal cooling system and knew. I felt my sweat dry in an instant. My red cheeks start to calm. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. Air conditioning unit – let me put a ring on it.

The Greatest Showman soundtrack

Hugh Jackman wants to create A Million Dreams with you. Zac Efron wants to Rewrite The Stars with you. This Is Me is your theme tune – sung defiantly while you take the bins out. You’ve never felt so seen, so heard, so understood.


Getting stuck at a red signal on the Central Line during rush hour in 31-degree heat when you’re already late will require the love of a good glass/bottle three bottles of rosé to get you back to who you’re supposed to be i.e. someone very bad tempered, but now quite drunk. Thank you rosé –I do. Do you?

Empty parking spaces

There is such a thing as love at first sight and it looks like a bit of road with a gap on it that is approximately the size of your car.

Dental floss

The chivalry of dental floss. “Let me remove the discomfort of that lodged strawberry seed from your back teeth,” it says seductively. “Let me make you smile again.”

Music that isn’t loud

It’s a heatwave and everyone is excited. You don’t want to be the miserable bastard who wishes they’d turn their MUSIC DOWN in the garden two doors down, but you are slowly going mad. And then they miraculously do, without you having to storm round there. You feel a swell of euphoric love, the kind of feeling you never want to let go of. Could quiet music be… The One?

Love Island

They say all good things must come to an end and you’ve tried to just treat it like a holiday romance, but how are you supposed to carry on life without Love Island when it eventually ends? What will you talk about? What will you care about? Who will you be?

Gareth Southgate

That moment when you find yourself looking suspiciously at your partner and thinking, ‘Why don’t you wear a waistcoat? Why aren’t you arrestingly calm and dignified? Why aren’t you a natural leader? Why aren’t you inspiring a nation? What am I even doing with you?’

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