… the waiter was extremely handsome and also Spanish, so I thought ordering more food would help him with his English.
… I have just come back from Paris, where they are not so hung up on precision parking. A little nudge here and there – c’est normale…
… it was full moon, so if I shouted at you yesterday, you need to know I have no recollection of it and that even if I did, it still wouldn’t be my fault.
… I’m not inhaling this joint, I’m just holding in my mouth because my hands are full. And also breathing in and out, because otherwise I’d faint.
… you could argue that the best before date on this packet of Jaffa Cakes I have just binge-eaten in one sitting looks like Feb 19 and not Feb 18, if you don’t examine it closely.
… if a house plant can’t tell you how much water it wants, how ARE you supposed to keep the bugger alive? Read its mind?
… I was left unsupervised and that’s why I now have colour coordinated bookshelves.
… box sets are like audiobooks, but with pictures. That are moving.
… I only got as drunk as that because they were playing Salt n Pepa and I thought it was 1993 when I would have been able to handle it.
… I had to break up with him because he said he once bought a Lighthouse Family single and he dances badly with no irony.
… I haven’t waxed since the temperature dropped because heating is expensive and I need my winter coat for extra insulation.
… I haven’t recovered from the death of River Phoenix, so I can’t really be expected to marry someone else until I do.
… we had that conversation after 9pm, which means I was probably 97% asleep.
… this gin and tonic has cucumber in it, which means it’s also one of my five a day.
