good wife, julianna margulies, in my defence, blame, defence

In my defence…

the waiter was extremely handsome and also Spanish, so I thought ordering more food would help him with his English.

… I have just come back from Paris, where they are not so hung up on precision parking. A little nudge here and there –  c’est normale…

… it was full moon, so if I shouted at you yesterday, you need to know I have no recollection of it and that even if I did, it still wouldn’t be my fault.

I’m not inhaling this joint, I’m just holding in my mouth because my hands are full. And also breathing in and out, because otherwise I’d faint.

… you could argue that the best before date on this packet of Jaffa Cakes I have just binge-eaten in one sitting looks like Feb 19 and not Feb 18, if you don’t examine it closely.

if a house plant can’t tell you how much water it wants, how ARE you supposed to keep the bugger alive? Read its mind?

… I was left unsupervised and that’s why I now have colour coordinated bookshelves.

box sets are like audiobooks, but with pictures. That are moving.

… I only got as drunk as that because they were playing Salt n Pepa and I thought it was 1993 when I would have been able to handle it.

… I had to break up with him because he said he once bought a Lighthouse Family single and he dances badly with no irony.

I haven’t waxed since the temperature dropped because heating is expensive and I need my winter coat for extra insulation.

… I haven’t recovered from the death of River Phoenix, so I can’t really be expected to marry someone else until I do.

… we had that conversation after 9pm, which means I was probably 97% asleep.

this gin and tonic has cucumber in it, which means it’s also one of my five a day.

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