1. High Pitch Frequency Natural Sleep Inducer
An app that plays some kind of frequency, like white noise for a baby, that makes you go into a deep, natural sleep – like a baby. It senses when you wake up in the night (it’s highly intelligent) and starts playing the strange almost silent sound that speaks directly to your brain and lulls you straight back to sleep again without you thrashing around, saying ‘FFS’ for an hour before giving in, turning on the light and feeling suicidal. Then you wake up fresh as a daisy the next day – not like you’re coming round from a general anaesthetic.
2. Parking Place Finder
Instead of driving round and round screaming in your car, this app uses satellite navigation to identify a parking place for you. You press a button to select the space it finds and anyone who tries to take it as you make your way over to it is electrocuted via a magnetic field that is triggered once selection has been made.
3. Party Predictor
If only we knew whether it was worth going to a party or not. This app solves that problem for you using an algorithm that calculates how good the party will be based on the profiles of the other guests going, location, time – but also factoring in how tired you are, how cross you are and how close you were to cancelling on a scale of 1-10. No more pointless nights out with you privately thinking, “It’s so f***king loud in here and I’m surrounded by total c***s.”
4. Hangover Remover
You are hungover as a bastard and all you want is a McDonalds strawberry milkshake and a pizza, even though you know this is the worst thing you could put into your body. You tell this app what you had to drink (as far as you remember) and it works out the vitamins/hydration drinks/healthy food/headache tablets you need to get you back on track. It is delivered to your location within an hour – before you have reached the stage where you are delirious and longing for death.
5. Label Identifier
OK, so this is borderline creepy, but if you see someone in the street wearing something you REALLY like, you would take a secret photo of them, upload it to this app and it would tell you where the clothes were from. The key to not being discovered is to always pretend you are taking a selfie, so as long as you’re happy to look like a teenager/tourist/freak, this is going to be a winner for you.