Isn’t it galling? That we have so much bandwidth in one direction (the direction we are not looking in) and so much limitation in others. Those parts of our lives, bodies, brains that we find wanting are miserably reflected by other habits, choices, rhythms that are in overdrive. There are, it seems, no easy swapsies to be done. Sometimes we must simply take the rough with the smooth, bend like the bamboo; and accept that while our tooth might be sweet, our temperament is not. Or that, even though our thoughts may be muddled, our resentments are deeply distinct.
So we made a list. A wish list, if you like. A stream of ‘if only’…
- I wish I was as thin as my patience.
- I wish my bank account was as deep as my resentments.
- I wish my knives were as sharp as my tongue.
- I wish my depressive episodes were as short as my fuse.
- I wish my memory was as long as my list of grievances.
- I wish my phone battery was as enduring as my social anxiety.
- I wish my sex life was as exciting as my negative fantasies about myself.
- I wish I was as ambitious as I am tired.
- I wish my metabolism was as fast as my willingness to take umbrage.
- I wish my pelvic floor was as powerful as my love for jumpsuits.
- I wish the ageing process moved as slowly as the queue in the post office to exchange my missed delivery slips.
- I wish my wardrobe was as colourful as my language.
- I wish my skincare routine was as committed as my Instagram habit.