- If you can’t think of a word, say, “I forget the English word for it,” so that people will think you are a glamorous and international and bilingual instead of an idiot.
- Change your voicemail message to ‘Please don’t leave a message, just text me,’ so you don’t have tongue-swelling anxiety every time some bastard leaves you a voice message.
- Knock a handful of years off your age by saying you only have very vague memories of the eighties (i.e. you weren’t really born when Charles and Diana got married and you don’t remember Ghostbusters coming out).
- Take mandatory disco naps in the day so that when you inevitably don’t sleep that night (partly because you shouldn’t have taken the disco naps) you can piece together the interrupted hours and cheerfully claim you’ve had the standard eight hours. Clever you.
- Tell your partner you are pretty sure they are a sexsomniac – a person who engages in sexual activity during deep sleep – so that you can lie and say you did it in the night and the reason they don’t remember is because of their condition. And can they please get that thing away from you because you’re not up for round two so quickly and actually they really tired you out and what are they, some kind of sex addict?
- Believe you can eat everything now because one day you will be dead and therefore radically thin.
- It’s fine that you don’t have a pension because you are eternally youthful. The Peter Pan of West London. The Gwen Stefani of the South East. The Pharrell of the home counties. Pensions are for old people and you will never be old, age is a mental state, just ask Hugh Hefner… ummm, wait…oh.
