“Calm down”
I will. Once I have caved your head in with a brick for saying that.
“Why are you single?”
Because I’m a total arsehole, I suppose. What do you think?
“Does this feel good?”
How to ruin sex in under five words.
“Have you tried meditation?”
No. Have you tried moving to another country and living in solitary confinement in an underground cave system so I never have to hear you speak ever again?
“Stress really isn’t good for you”
Gosh, really? I was so enjoying the insomnia/uncontrollable crying/knots in my stomach/inability to concentrate/fixation on relentless negative outcomes/panicking about literally everything/visions of my own death until you said that.
“You look really tired. Are you not sleeping?”
Let’s hope for your sake that I’m not.
“I need to talk to you about something – but not now”
Sorry you can’t, I just dialled 999 and then died from fear before the ambulance got here.
“When did you last have it [the thing you have now lost]?”
I don’t know. When did you last ask a question as stupid as that?
“Can I see how I feel nearer the time?”
OR – you could just say you’re waiting for a better offer and make me hate you maybe 3% less for at least being honest.
“Did you not guess the ending?”
No. Did you just call me an idiot to my face?
“Do you think you’re too picky?”
YES! That’s my problem! I should just marry your single friend because he’s not married to anyone either and that’s a reason to marry someone! What a revelation!
