Birdsong
Good: Hark, what is that pretty chirrup stirring my heart to joy on this glorious morn?
Bad: That bastard’s louder than my smoke alarm, how do I make it die?
Busker
Good: Just a kid with a guitar and a dream trying to make it. That’s so brave, so daring. He could be the next Ed Sheeran. I love Ed Sheeran.
Bad: Ed Sheeran is basically a busker. Someone make him go away.
Street food
Good: Loving the whole cooked-on-the-spot vibe of this Vietnamese van with its fresh ingredients and cheerful proprietors. Mmmm, those noodles look amazing.
Bad: Just because it’s got an unpronounceable name, doesn’t mean it’s good. And get that pineapple away from me.
Other people’s laughter
Good: How cheerful and how delightful to hear people enjoying themselves. It’s making me want to laugh too. I want to laugh more in life. Laughter is everything.
Bad: What have those obnoxious ****s got to laugh about? They must be drunk.
Lovers
Good: Just two people in love, looking happy, being happy, spreading happiness, probably having hot sex and making lovely plans for the future together. Isn’t love GREAT?
Bad: I’m probably being cheated on and I’m going to die alone.
Having no plans
Good: A whole evening to myself. I can get a takeaway, watch telly in my knickers, do an undignified face mask, take some Night Nurse and go to bed at 9pm. Life is good.
Bad: I have no friends. Everyone hates me. But not as much as I hate myself.
Sunshine
Good: Hurray, I’ve opened the curtains and it’s clear blue skies! I can wear something thin and floaty! I can feel the warm sun on my skin! I can even bust out a straw hat and carry a basket like Jane Birkin! Barbecues! Ice cream! Aperol Spritz!
Bad: Another reminder that I don’t have a garden. Or a pension. Or good legs.
Praise
Good: How nice to be told nice things about myself. I feel good and empowered and positive. I’m going to remember to praise people more and put good energy out into the world.
Bad: This is the kind of conversation someone has with their seven-year-old after a positive parenting class. I’m not falling for it. It’s clearly just pity.
Other people’s dogs
Good: I love dogs! This one is so sweet and friendly and look at him zipping around my legs and looking at me with those big eyes and wet nose and unconditional love.
Bad: It looks evil and dirty and if it comes near me, I’m calling the police.
