1. Shoplifting from Chanel
It’s ridiculous you don’t own a Chanel bag. You deserve one. Those things last a lifetime, so you just go and pick out the one you love the most, sling it over your shoulder and then quietly leave the shop. Hopeful that magical chain and straps looped over your shoulder will show in your mug shots when the law finally catches up with you.
2. Syphoning money from Mark Zuckerburg’s private account
Your personal data is probably worth a bit of cash, isn’t it? He’s got $70 billion, he can afford to lose AT LEAST one, right? Frankly, it’s the least he can do for all those pointless notifications telling you that Sarah, who you only met once ten years ago, keeps inviting you to join Candy Crush.
3. Redirecting all your parking fines to the Russian Embassy
You switch your number plate for Russian diplomatic plates and then park wherever you like. Traffic wardens are almost aroused by the amount of fines they are able to issue you with, as you brazenly leave your car on the pavement in Bond Street/by the Piccadilly underpass/casually parked outside Buckingham Palace. The Russians deny all knowledge of you, but no one believes them because they always say that.
4. Swap Donald Trump’s hair dye for Veet
Disguised as a beautician, you enter the White House, flashing your false credentials and mega-watt smile to the fools now running the joint. You are immediately allowed access to the President, who wants his dye job topped up. Unable to bring yourself to touch that crusted candyfloss comb-over, you suggest he apply the dye himself while you fake taking an urgent phone call. You make a quick exit out of the back, knowing that within moments, Donald Trump will be as bald as Dr Evil.
5. Illegal surveillance on Tom Hardy
What? It’s just a few cameras in his house so you can watch him 24 hours a day. Where’s the harm in that?
6. Jewellery heist
An Ocean’s 8 scenario, where you and seven girlfriends go swanning into Cartier and charm them out of millions of pounds worth of jewellery. You all look great. Everyone has a cool haircut. Cartier is insured too, so no one loses out.
7. Breaking and entering into Tate Modern after hours
Can’t be doing with queues. And it’s not like you’re nicking one (or are you?).
8. The kidnap of David Attenborough
Look, you’d eventually give him back – after he’d talked to you extensively about the mating habits of electric eels – and let you record him singing lullabies in that hypnotic voice to help you with your insomnia.
9. Faking your own death to get out of a school reunion
Your clothes are found on a beach along with a note saying, ‘Goodbye, cruel world’. As they never find your body, a memorial service is held, where various members of your year turn up, some visibly tearful (except for that bitch who was mean to you in Year 9, you notice from beneath your fake moustache in the back row). At least you got out of that horrendous reunion and can return months later, like Harold in Neighbours, claiming amnesia to explain your disappearance.
10. Tampering with the number of days logged for holiday taken at work
Like Ferris Bueller changing his number of sick days, you break into the work system and keep resetting your days off before hitting up EasyJet for the seventh time since Christmas.
