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10 things not to say to a stranger on the plane

  1. “I’ve always wanted to join the mile high club, but my ex-boyfriend was such a boring bastard who had no idea how to have a good time. Are you a member?”
  2. “How many times do I have to ask one of those basic bitches to get me a vodka and tonic FFS?”
  3. “Wait – have you seen my snake? He was here a minute ago…”
  4. “Did the pilot look drunk to you?”
  5. “The good news is, if we crash onto a deserted island and you’re forced to kill me to feed yourself, don’t worry because my arse alone will keep you going for at least a couple of weeks.”
  6. “I’ve been having these repetitive dreams about flying – let me describe this particular sequence and tell me what you think it means.”
  7. (quietly) “I’ve got a Pill up my bum in case you feel like dancing…”
  8. Don’t bother watching that Ben Affleck film because he dies at the end and it turns out he WAS a spy after all. Plus his wife turned out to be the mole – it was so obvious.”
  9. Ask the name of the person sitting next to you. When they tell you, breathe on the window, draw a heart and write your name and theirs.
  10. “Do you mind if I put my head in your lap? It’s the only way that stops me screaming during take off and landing? Could you stroke my hair a bit too? And sing ‘Harvest Moon’ by Neil Young?”
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