The University of Zero Fucks
A maths-based degree, where several algorithms were tested using a lot of fucks initially. It was concluded that the most effective number of fucks to give, was, in fact, zero, both hypothetically and actually. Graduated with honours.
The University of Last-Minute Cancellation
The thesis submitted for this course was: ‘Is it cancellation itself that is the issue or the timing of the cancellation? Ergo, is the response proportionate to the level of intimacy in the friendship of those you have cancelled?’ The answer was never reached. Sorry, it’s just that something came up.
The University of Crying For No Reason
After years of trying to delve into the meaning behind crying: discussing it, reading about it, studying its many variants, the qualification in Hysterical Crying For No Reason was granted based on there literally being no reason sometimes, no matter how hard you try to come up with one. I have to go off and howl now.
The University of Functioning On No Sleep
Can drive/cook/run a business/attend a birthday party/apply make-up/comfort friends with genuine empathy in spite of being borderline insane on no sleep. Such is the nature of this considerable and challenging course, most of whose attendees really wish they hadn’t signed up for it.
The University of Literally No Idea
They said you would eventually understand how it all worked. The important things like life and how to be an adult etc. You absolutely do not. You are now highly skilled in having Literally No Idea in many different subjects.
The University of Discreet Naps
Any time, any place, sitting bolt upright, standing in a queue, having a conversation with someone. Was awarded an honours in… sorry, just had a micro sleep.
The University of Worst-Case Scenario
“And to conclude, if it can go wrong, it probably will. And that probability is high, OK? So fucking high that I might as well not have bothered with any of it and now it’s time for me to leave.” That’s you closing the seminar you were asked to present. It was widely regarded as brilliant.
The University of Can’t Be Arsed
No. Don’t ask me again.
The University of Internal Screaming
A pretty dress. Nice, clean hair. Big, friendly smile. Charming laugh. A polite enquiry into your life and how you are. All the while, with a PhD in screaming loudly into the inner void.