How to pretend you’re not drunk at work
Hangovers get harder in life. It’s just a fact – and that can sometimes mean there is crossover in the Venn diagram of sobering up/still drunk/now at work. You must rally and not slur and not fall asleep or laugh/cry for no reason. This is an art form that has to be honed. Instead it was all, ‘Here are some important fractions you must soon be tested on.’
How to tell when boys are lying
Especially the really handsome ones, who looked at you with their hypnotic faces and dazzled you into believing them when they were lying through their perfect teeth. Instead of crying and hating yourself for being paranoid. With the right tuition, you would instead have squared up to them, laughed in a defiant way and told them to sod off, their hearts shattering immediately as you walked away, radiating self-worth to the universe. Make sure you’re not late for netball!
How to dance REALLY well
The kind of dancing that people talk about afterwards, so that you become known for it and are stared at with wonder and envy, when you dance at a wedding or a party. Just a very, very cool girl who can really dance REALLY well. But no – better to thump around in a leotard, performing a clumsy, awkward routine to ‘I Sing the Body Electric’ with a ribbon on a stick at the end of term dance show.
The value of holidays
You may have thought going on holiday with your family was a major ball-ache and YAWN, what were you going to do with the other six weeks that you had off school, you poor, spoilt bastard? As an adult, you are now too broke to go on holiday, so you stare at other people’s holidays on Instagram – and that is your holiday. Anyway, forget that – here’s a recorder! Three blind mice! Important life skill!
How to extinguish a candle by squirting water at it from your mouth from across the room
Imagine having THAT up your sleeve? The world would be yours. It’s clearly more important to learn how to say, ‘My bicycle has been stolen’ in French though.
How to sleep
We should have learned this in science. But no. Here’s a frog. Pinned disturbingly. Dissect that for absolutely no reason.