Me: Day 1,450,342 of lockdown.
Also me: So hungry.
Me: Is it Wednesday? Or is it last Wednesday?
Also me: Breakfast was an hour ago. Blood sugar is dangerously low.
Me: What year is it? 2046?
Also me: Maybe just a small piece of cheese or something?
Me: Do we even have days of the week, still?
Also me: With a baguette and some wine…
Me: Is it going quickly or slowly? I can’t tell.
Also me: It’s 6pm somewhere *opens wine*
Me: At least I’ve got plenty of time to tidy all my cupboards.
Also me: What if I just dip this bread straight into this jar of mayonnaise?
Me: If I could be arsed to tidy my cupboards. Which I can’t.
Also me: Those cocktail sausages look nice.
Me: Might go for a run.
Also me: After this drink… which I shall now top up.
Me: Might go for a run later.
Also me: Where the fuck are the fucking crisps?
Me: Going to meditate to reduce my stress levels.
Also me: Did someone else eat my crisps…? *starts crying*
Me: Going to meditate later.
Also me: I knew it! Only crumbs left! Who the actual fuck???
Me: Might bake some banana bread.
Also me: Oh. It was me. No one else lives here.
Me: Banana bread is so Week 2 of lockdown, though.
Also me: *swigs out of bottle*
Me: Might try and do a headstand for no reason.
Also me: Why is this bottle now empty?
Me: *tries to do headstand, topples over* Fuck yoga.
Also me: *flings bottle across the room, screaming*
Me: *alarm goes* Argh, I’ve got a Zoom work meeting in thirty seconds!!!
Also me: GET THE SNACKS READY.
Me: I have to read this presentation quickly.
Also me: NO, GET THE SNACKS READY.
Me: I haven’t washed my hair in four days and I’m wearing a Steps reunion tour t-shirt.
Also me: YOU CANNOT DO THIS WITHOUT SNACKS.
Me: *opens computer, joins Zoom meeting, waves to colleagues* Hi, everyone!
Also me: GRAB SOMETHING QUICKLY, HURRY THE FUCK UP.
Me: Just grabbing a quick snack – everyone knows a meeting without snacks should be an email!
Also me: Nice save.
Me: So I’ve gone over the figures…
Also me: *stops to tip packet of cornflakes into open mouth*