You: Can you stand a bit further away please.
Me: Right – although we are on the phone, so…
You: Sorry, but there’s no such thing as being over-cautious.
Me: Sorry, just eating a biscuit.
You: I hope you coughed into your elbow regardless.
Me: I did. Can you hang on while I just take my top off and hot wash it?
You: I am changing my clothes five times a day.
Me: I’m mostly not wearing clothes so I don’t have to keep washing them.
You: I change them when I move between rooms. Just in case.
Me: OMG, I’m not MOVING BETWEEN ROOMS.
You: But you live on your own.
Me: Well, yes, but the virus might be living in my carpet or hiding behind a door.
You: I ripped up all my carpets myself and boiled them, just in case.
Me: How did you get them out from under your furniture?
You: All this YouTube yoga I’m doing – I’m SO STRONG now.
Me: (alarm goes)
You: What was that?
Me: Oh, that’s my snack break reminder.
You: I thought you just had a biscuit.
Me: I did, but that was the earlier snack.
You: I can’t snack because of my thermometer.
Me: What do you mean?
You: Well, I’ve decided to keep it in my mouth permanently – like I’m a gangster and it’s a toothpick – so I can constantly monitor my temperature.
Me: Have you seen any fluctuation?
You: Yes, when I was in the bath it got higher.
You: I wash my hands so often that they are now scaly claws, like a pair of thin, dry leaves attached to the ends of my arms.
Me: I am wearing plastic gloves around my house. In case I touched anyone last week when I was still allowed to touch humans and one of them had it.
You: I’m staying strong, though.
Me: OMG, I’m staying so strong.
You: And staying IN.
Me: I’m staying strong/ in/calm
You: I’m so calm, it’s ridiculous.
Me: Me too. So calm. So unbelievably calm.
You: Off for a snack now.
Me: Surely it’s time for a drink?