Me: New Year, new me! An excellent opportunity to cleanse my liver.
Also me: Does Thai fish sauce have alcohol in it? What if I drink that?
Me: I can totally handle this. I’m not really a big drinker anyway.
Also me: Cider apple vinegar!!!
Me: I don’t even need alcohol.
Also me: Can you feel drunk if you eat fermented foods?
Me: Anyway, I’m super fun without booze.
Also me: What if I eat twelve packets of brandy snaps?
Me: I enjoy having a clear head.
Also me: Do wine gums have wine in them?
Me: It’s good to feel present and in control.
Also me: Chinese rice wine?? Is it allowed to call itself wine if it’s not actual wine?
Me: I’m going to detox my whole system.
Also me: *rams Champagne truffles into mouth*
Me: Focus on my health.
Also me: Vodka jelly isn’t technically a drink, so….
Me: I will go to bed feeling calm and serene.
Also me: If I had a gin and tonic with some cucumber in it, that’s literally a salad.
Me: And wake up energised and optimistic.
Also me: *spreads some brandy butter on toast*
Me: I could actually give up alcohol for good, no problem.
Also me: If I soak these raisins in port, no one will know and they’ll just look like a healthy snack.
Me: It’s fine, I only have three weeks left.
Also me: That’s 504 hours, 30,240 minutes or 1,814,400 seconds.
Me: Might have some more water.
Also WATER IS ONLY A MIXER FOR WHISKY.