Amy Schumer, Wine, Leaning

All The Januarys

Maybe you are doing Dry January. Maybe you are doing Januhairy. Or maybe you’re going another way…


You could do Veganuary. Get healthy, purge yourself of all that goose fat, brandy butter and chocolate. Go plant-based. Be responsible. Good for you, good for the planet. OR you could just order a pizza and get someone to bring it to your house so you can eat it with your hands and then have no washing up. Who’s the winner now?

I canuary!

It’s a new year! A new you! You can make those changes! You can join the gym and get fit! You can confront your sister about her judgements! You can leave your stupid job and set up your own business! For it is January, the Hollywood of months, where all dreams can come true….RIGHT?

Can’t copeuary

It’s a new year, but it’s not a new you. You can’t make those changes. You’re not going to join the gym and get fit. You’re going to let your sister keep pushing you around. You’re going to stay in your stupid job forever. For it is January, the August of the winter, where all personal initiatives are meaningless. Just go and eat a cold mince pie. It’s over.

Need a drinkuary

If January needs to be dry, then that works because dry white wine is nice, top us up.

Cancel everythinguary

Not available for any of the following; dinners, cinema, theatre, lunch, after-work drinks, weekend drinks, any drinks, friends in crisis, career advice, relationship problems, anything face-to-face, that includes FaceTime. Do not attempt contact until spring. Goodbye.


You are so on it, it’s a joke. Your mother’s birthday in October? Organised. Your best friend’s divorce party (she’s only engaged, but you don’t like him)? Organised. Your holiday plans for 2022, 2023 and 2024? Organised.

Want to lie downuary

Not going to get up for a while. Maybe a day. Probably a week. No, the whole month. Netflix, you see. Blankets. Hot water bottles down trousers. Cosy. Sleepy. The new Bridgerton and so forth. You get the picture.

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