matthew mcconaughey, magic mike, midlife crisis

Are the men in your life behaving bizarrely?

Are the men in your life behaving strangely? A rising trouser cuff? A fresh tendresse for kombucha? Perhaps they are heading for a midlife crisis. We asked Geraint Anderson (AKA CityBoy) to follow the signs – he should know, he’s just bang in the middle of his…

  1. ‘Enhancing’ your love life: If an ominous package from lovehoney.com arrives containing a ‘love wand’, ‘orgasm gel’ or a perturbing device called a ‘vibrating mega doughnut ring’, run for the hills.
  2. Web-based mind expansion: Despite having not done drugs for over a decade, he buys five ‘Darth Vader’ Ecstasy tablets and a gram of Ketamine on the dark web and, on consuming them, almost immediately turns into a gibbering, paranoid wreck.
  3. Career change: If he tells you that he wants to give up his 9 to 5 office job and become a ‘life coach’ then I’m afraid this might just be a classic example of what Freud referred to as ‘projection.’ Not good.
  4. Kitchen tomfoolery: If he’s recently introduced any of the following new ingredients into your kitchen I’d worry: Ube, Umami paste, Jackfruit, Kombucha Beer or any of the dreaded ‘micro greens’.
  5. Face peels: If you discover him in your bathroom with his face covered by a Hyaluronic acid skin peel looking like the bloke from American Psycho… well. You know what you know.
  6. Google History: For Christ’s sake don’t drill down into this. You’ll find everything from ‘The best protein powder’ to ‘What moisturiser does David Gandy use?’
  7. Resistance bands: They look like giant hair bands and smell like whoopee cushions. If you know, you know.
  8. Fashion choices: Watch out for a rising trouser cuff and plaid shirts buttoned up to the neck.
  9. Social Media: If we’ve set up a TikTok account, and it becomes obvious that we’re busy perfecting dance routines, seek help.
  10. Paddle boarding: It’s the new golf. We’re pretty sure the ladies are impressed by it. It makes us look mysterious and masculine at the same time. Doesn’t it?
  11. WhatsApp Groups: Watch out for a new group we’ve set up called JUNGLIST MASSIVES with old raving mates we haven’t seen for ten years. There is late night exchanging of tunes by Fabio and Groove Rider with accompanying messages such as ‘Selectaaaa!’ and ‘Big up to Jules and Clarky!’
  12. Meditation: If you notice us staring into the mid distance looking like we’ve been lobotomised, we’re actually tuning into a higher plain of consciousness. If you ask us if we can do the recycling or fix the toilet seat and don’t get a response – we’re meditating. We can meditate anywhere and at anytime. We’ve got an app for it. We’re also thinking of going on a retreat in Croatia (and inviting the Junglist Massive).
  13. Spinning: Look out for a recent subscription to Peloton. There’s probably a high spec exercise bike and accompanying spin studio arriving at the house in the next few days. You’ll have to get rid of the au pair to make room for it all but you won’t be able to afford her anyway after you’ve shelled out for this lot.
  14. Producing a Gangster Flick: If out of nowhere, you find your other half writing a screenplay about a middle-aged man who’s thinking of ditching family life and heading off for a life of crime, you better worry – shit just got real… Ask my wife.

Trick or Treat written and produced by Geraint Anderson is now available on all digital platforms including Amazon and iTunes. Here is the trailer.

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