love actually, bill nighy, rockstar, cool

You’re still a rockstar you whisper to yourself as…

  • You’re still a rockstar you whisper to yourself as you take a multivitamin, slather your feet in cracked heel balm, slip on (bed)socks, drink some eye cream, turn on the white noise machine and tuck yourself into bed at 9pm.
  • You’re still a rockstar you whisper to yourself as you apply Deep Heat to your current yoga injury. You took an online class the other day, felt undeservedly confident, did a handstand against the wall, forgot about fairy lights dangling there and impaled your toe on a mini bulb. The limp adds to your pirate vibe you think: eye patch from recurring stress-conjunctivitis and a pair of weird boots – GAARGHH.
  • You’re still a rockstar you whisper to yourself, even though you have just heard yourself saying ‘Young man, please would you park my car?’. You quickly change the radio from Magic (Tragic) to Kiss FM and mouth the words to WAP while wondering if the young man is into older women.
  • You’re still a rockstar you whisper to yourself as you slip from your sofa pyjamas to your bed pyjamas. They are not sexy silk pyjamas. They are very specific pyjamas that wick moisture (for the uninitiated, wick means to draw off liquid), because of, you know, the night sweats.
  • You’re still a rockstar you whisper to yourself as you lie awake at 3am alphabetising all your grudges (current and historical) until 4am. You feel like a Bond villain. A new kind of Bond villain who is going to have to be propped up all day with caffeine, dry shampoo and loving texts from your best friend who knows that you haven’t slept since 2009.
  • You’re still a rockstar you whisper to yourself while searching for your phone for the 75th time today. You look in the fridge. It’s not in the fridge. You strike your brow dramatically and realise you’ve just hit yourself in the head with your lost phone which is in your hand.
  • You’re still a rockstar you whisper to yourself even as you turn down the volume in the car to change lane on the motorway. You will normally do anything to avoid the motorway. In fact you decide to come off at the next junction to have a little panic break.
  • You’re still a rockstar you whisper to yourself as you cry hot angry tears because the washing machine is not draining. You stare at the soggy washing, through your soggy tears and wonder, ‘What would Keith Richards do?’
  • You’re still a rockstar you whisper to yourself despite being absolutely horrified that you are drinking your coffee out of your tea mug. You rinse it out and start again. It’s fine. No one saw.
  • You’re still a rockstar you whisper to yourself as you spend 45 minutes experimenting with lighting for an upcoming Zoom call. You toy with putting Vaseline on the camera lens. You change into a white shirt to cast light on your face. You put your laptop on a teetering pile of books to make for a more flattering angle. It falls off just as you are pitching…
  • You’re still a rockstar you whisper to yourself as you book in a Zoom session with a crystal healer. You’re scared of your shrink, you’ve become so agoraphobic that you can’t leave the house and you’ve hurt your back hoovering the sofa because of all the crisp crumbs. But crystal healing, man? Right?
  • You’re still a rockstar you whisper to yourself as you book 14 grocery delivery slots in a row. You can be both wild and organised, you say, as you load up on that nice salted butter. The butter is bad for you. And very high in salt because you are still a rebel.
  • You’re still a rockstar you whisper to yourself as you buy gel heel supports for the studded Valentino-esque boots you bought on ebay even though you have nowhere to go and they are the least comfortable shoes you’ve ever owned, but you must plough on because after all you are still a rockstar (also they won’t accept a return which is outrageous).
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