Quite a lot of hip-hop
50 Cent needs to show more respect to women and the rap section of Blurred Lines is an absolute disgrace, don’t even get me started on the video *secretly dances and sings along in head* *is a bit mesmerised by Emily Ratajkowski’s boobs*
People giving me seats on the tube
I am perfectly capable of standing, thank you *would sell soul to sit down* *wants to marry the empty seat*
Detective novels where women are either hookers or savagely killed
It doesn’t matter that you found The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo gripping. You can no longer be part of an out-dated literary genre that objectifies and degrades women *also pretends not to think Prime Suspect is one the greatest TV shows ever*
Being taken out to dinner
You’ve been invited out for dinner on a date. At the end, he reaches for his wallet to pay. You reach for your wallet. “No, please – this is on me,” he says charmingly. “No, please – let’s split it,” you say. “Absolutely not – I insist,” he says. “No, I INSIST,” you say firmly, brandishing your wallet in a threatening manner like a sword *longs for him to pay* *wishes you hadn’t ordered the lobster*
Accepting help with a heavy bag
You are breaking your back dragging a suitcase so heavy it might as well have a body in it. You reach the steps of the tube station. A nice man offers to carry it down for you. You politely decline. You are an independent woman who does not need to be rescued *wishes they still had porters at stations who carried everything for you* *wants to be carried on a divan chair* *chips nails and flies into a rage*
Wanting someone else to do my accounts
Oh, I see, you think I can’t do my own accounts because I’m a girl who obviously spends all day reading Cosmopolitan articles online about how to please your man in bed/practising how to blend my eye shadow/singing along to Little Mix into a hairbrush. Well, f**k you *can’t do accounts* *cries* *gets bored and reads about the Dawson’s Creek reunion*
Must deal with unwanted wildlife
You don’t need anyone to remove the mouse currently charging around your kitchen. It’s fine. So a spider the size of Hamburg is bolting back and forth in your bath. AND? That terrifyingly massive moth is bouncing around inside your lampshade plotting your death. And your point is? It’s fine, you can calmly deal with all of them yourself *sweats through four layers of clothing* *almost unconscious with fear* *calls the police* *leaves the country*
