joan crawford, strait jacket, neurosis, paranoia, worry, neuroses

Who are you calling neurotic?

Root Neurosis

You are convinced that everyone is just looking at your hairline. Talking to your hairline. Addressing your hairline. Hello hairline.

Bra Bulge Neurosis

New bra, new… oh. Is it the bra’s fault? Is it the Pret Love bars (healthy right? Mostly pistachios…)? Will it be fine under a t-shirt? Do you need one of those posture things? Or is it time for an A-line situation?

Are They Counting How Many Times I Am Going To The Loo Neurosis

Once at the beginning of the meeting. So far so normal. And then in the middle, all the tea. And then, holy hell – this is going on a bit. Can you sneak one more in before you leave building? They all think you’re a drug addict don’t they?

Bronzer Neurosis

Maybe you can blend it like Beckham. But maybe you’re always in a hurry and your bathroom/rearview mirror has really bad light. And you just know your face is a bit stripey. Or patchy. Speckled. And your neck is a completely different colour to your jawline. You struggle to care very much but you realise that you have developed an allergy to natural light. Or any light.

Bikini Line Neurosis

You have gone for a spontaneous swim (it could happen). Or a spontaneous shag (again). But you are the bearded wonder down under. Will it matter? Quick Immac? Or will that just make it wonky? What is expected of you? What do you expect of yourself? Oh God.

Fun Jewellery Neurosis

You went to Topshop or Zara and bought some FUN earrings, like everyone on Instagram seems to be wielding. Weirdly, when you got them home, they didn’t look a bit louche and maximalist and, as you look in the mirror, you can just hear the chilling sound of your mother saying, “Those are fun” echoing in your ears. Are you that woman now? The one who wears FUN accessories to guide people’s eyes… elsewhere.

Do They Know I Am Listening To All I Want For Christmas Neurosis

Sometimes it’s a podcast about American politics or feminism. Sometimes it’s I Don’t Want A Lot For Christmas… can anyone tell?

Did They Buy My Excuse Neurosis?

The headache was real at the time. You wouldn’t have been any fun. Maybe you should call them back?  Really emphasise how bad it was/is. But would that look nuts? Like you’re protesting too much? And – oooh – you’ve got First Dates recorded. It must be that the Nurofen has kicked in.

Have You Forgotten Their Name Neurosis?

Have you? Oh god have you? They’re coming. They are making a beeline. Yes, we are afraid you have. WHAT NOW?????????

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