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When sex toys go wrong…

Here goes: I got a bit drunk at a party in smart sex shop and was talked into buying some Luna beads. They’re like mini snooker balls and they come with a sort of silicone loop round them both, like two hikers tied together. “It’s better without the loop because you want them to clank together,” the shop assistants said. “They’re really heavy so you have to actively grip or they just fall out.” The idea is they give your vagina a work-out while clanking together as you walk down the street with no one knowing you’re getting a bit of haw-hee-haw at the same time. Christian Grey uses them on Ana in Fifty Shades and needless to say she has twenty seven orgasms. This was not a hard sell.

So one afternoon I took them out of their loop as advised and up they went, no problem. I walked around a bit, expectantly waiting for the sexy times to start. Nothing. I walked around a bit more, made a cup of tea. Still no orgasmic build up. “This is crap,” I thought. “Might as well get them out.” And then I realised something. I wasn’t gripping. I couldn’t feel them at all.

There is no way to be delicate about this so I won’t even try. I shoved a finger up to see if I could feel them. My nail just about located the edge of one of them. Trust me when I say trying to get a grip on something as smooth as a snooker ball is not only impossible, it’s also deeply alarming. “Oh my Christ,” I thought, “I am going to have to go to A&E like one of those people who says they were cleaning naked and accidently ‘fell’ on their Hoover suction thing.” I jumped up and down to try to harness the power of gravity. More desperate scrabbling around with fingers. A bit of prayer. An HOUR AND A HALF later, they reappeared like two badly behaved dogs that had run off in the park. I actually shouted at them. 

The good news is I appear to already have a pelvic floor like a bulldog clip, so, you know, every cloud. But, Jesus it was stressful. 

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