My tree went up in November! Why wait??????????? And I wrapped for five hours in front of The Bishop’s Wife and then Elf! And I honestly love Christmas pudding! And isn’t my Christmas jumper LOL? And mmmm, MULLED WINE! Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow! Who wants a homemade mince pie? Yes, they are actually baubles, but I’m wearing them as earrings! How many more sleeps until Christmas day???? Look at the cute elf outfit I bought for my dog! Let’s play a game! Every time my doorbell rings an angel gets its wings!
Ding, dong, done-for
I’ve got to buy 7,000 presents, wrap 7,000 presents, distribute 7,000 presents, got to 7,000 parties, drink 7,000 glasses of mulled wine, have 7,000 hangovers, wear the same dress 7,000 times, buy the turkey, panic over the turkey, cook the turkey, not poison anyone with the turkey, decorate the house, buy the tree, decorate the tree, stop the needles falling off the tree, stop the cat knocking over the tree, go to Winter Wonderland, go to Christmas at Kew, go to carols by candlelight somewhere, go to the Nutcracker. So, yes…really looking forward to my break. What are you doing?
I’ve already eaten a box of mince pies and it’s only 9.45am. There are no blue Quality Streets left in the box because I’ve had them. I made a Christmas cake three weeks ago but there’s only half left because I had to test it to see if it was OK and I wasn’t sure so I had to keep testing it and now quite a lot of it has gone. My main food group at the moment is cocktail sausages and gingerbread. Also I am drunk ALL THE TIME.
It’s not a Christmas fairy. It’s an angel. I don’t want to play games because I don’t like games. And I don’t want to eat bread sauce because who actually likes bread sauce? I don’t want to sing carols because I’m not religious and neither are you. And I don’t want to watch It’s a Wonderful Life because I’ve already seen it. This Christmas song by Mariah Carey is annoying, why doesn’t she just record another one? There’s no snow. And there’s no Father Christmas. And I’m earning less this month because you’re all getting pissed and taking time off work which means I have to take time off work while at the same time haemorrhaging money. No I don’t want a Quality Street because there are no blue ones left.
You: peel the potatoes. You: tidy up. You: lay the table. You: take the rubbish out. You: empty the dishwasher. You: make a Christmas playlist and start playing it NOW. You: cheer up. You: stop fighting. You: stop eating sweets. You: get me a drink. You: organise the games. You: make my parents enjoy themselves. You: get me another drink. You: actually, get me the whole bottle.