You seem to have lost interest or be too busy actually living your life, because your Instagram page is as silent as the grave. And then suddenly – the storm begins. You have clogged up people’s feeds with your endless semi-identical photos of trees or food or views, all of which are fairly innocuous and tell the rest of us nothing. Except that you’re alive. Perhaps this is you communicating with the Kremlin through a series of obscure coded messages now that you’ve been rehired for a secret agent mission. Or perhaps you have no idea of how Instagram actually works (step away from the damn tree). And then silence once more.
The fake carefree
Here’s you rolling on the ground with your dog. Here’s you lolling hysterically with a big drink in your hand. Here’s blurry you dancing barefoot at a festival with fireworks going off in the background. You are carpe-ing the f*ck out of every diem. You are YOLO-ing like a mo’fo’. You are… really knackered because you haven’t slept for two weeks and now it’s full moon and you have turned into Barbra Streisand at her most terrifying, but no one needs to know that.
The no caption
Posting with no caption is like flying to the moon and when you get to halfway saying, “Let’s turn back.” It’s just pointless and wrong. Hope you’re reading this, Beyoncé.
The fake in love
You find your husband hairy and annoying and loud. Your husband thinks you’re shrill and picky and unreasonable. But at least your Instagram marriage is still total goals.
The holidays only
This is a mystery. First there was nothing and then suddenly you pop up in a five-star hotel in Portofino. There you are on a boat! There you are with a gob-full of pasta! Do you only exist when you’re abroad? Has this become a complex philosophical question? Does the rest of your life literally not count? (Are you even there at all?)
The only Insta-stories
You are deeply creative, so grid posts just don’t do it for you. You want to layer your photos with gifs and emojis and text in different sized fonts. And then you want to vanish after 24 hours like the Scarlet Pimpernel. They seek her here, they seek her there, those followers seek her everywhere…