You miss the days of people having linen napkins as a matter of course and you always hand-write your thank you letters. You tell people you enjoy TV shows like Fleabag, but you don’t really get it. Quite, you know, rude. And her hair could have done with brushing.
You work in finance trading millions of pounds a day. You are patron of a wildlife charity that works to protect endangered animals, you are training for the marathon, go on two heli-skiing holidays a year and are working on a screenplay. Builder’s tea is the only uncomplicated thing in your entire life.
You never got over your gap year. You still wear tie-dyed trousers at the weekends and have trippy mushroom flashbacks to that time you tried to climb a coconut tree at a moonshine party in Thailand, urged on by a multi-pierced Norwegian who you lost your virginity to.
You are obsessed with orchids and small dogs. You are a whizz at crosswords, can always solve murders on TV crime shows before the detective and are learning how to play the flute. You are, however, terrible at drawing and even worse at telling jokes.
You tell people you like yoga, but actually you found it super-boring until you FORCED yourself to like it. You still don’t like it when strangers are sweating around you. You’re also not convinced chakras are a ‘thing’. And –TBH – green tea is kind of chlorine-y. But apparently it speeds up your metabolism. So you’re stuck with it. Even though you could murder a latte and a jaffa cake.
You eat sweets for breakfast and you sometimes wear fancy dress like normal clothes just to get a bit of energy going in the room. You paint your toenails different colours and you read Travels With My Aunt once a year without fail.
Honey and Ginger
You are a bit anxious about your health. There are germs everywhere, you see. And we should all work harder to look after our digestion. You have a dream catcher above your bed and wooden words like ‘Hope’ and ‘Relax’ hung round your house.
You may paint still life flowers with watercolours, but you also know exactly how to break a man’s arm.