1. Classic Nokia ringtone
You are unbelievably clever. A brain surgeon who loves nothing more than getting stuck into a hypothalamus. A Professor of Science studying functional molecular and nano-molecular chemical systems. An Executive Fellow of Economics with First Class honours from Cambridge and a Fulbright scholarship from Harvard under your belt. And yet, you are the person who has NO IDEA how to cook/drive/will get £200 out of a cash point and then walk off before the money has actually come out because you’re too busy trying to work out the weight of your own head.
2. Darth Vader ringtone specifically designated to your partner’s number
3. The sound of crickets
You gave up on meditation – the sitting still part was RIDICULOUS. You haven’t slept in years. You don’t eat sugar or any nightshades and you do pilates reformer four times a week. You’ve done the Hoffman Process twice (you still think your sister’s a bitch, so that was a waste of money) and you feel actual death rage where you want to physically hurt people if they spill anything on your suede sofa.
4. Crazy Frog
You were ‘disappeared’ by an extremist group in the mid-2000s and have only just been released.
5. A massively successful current pop song
You’re an adult who still wears tutus, plastic tiaras and cat ear headbands. You talk to people in a baby voice when you think they’re angry with you and you send friends cupcake deliveries for no reason just because you think it’s cute. When people ask you what you want for your birthday, you say, “A unicorn and safety for all the world’s children.” With no irony.
6. A Christmas song
What? It’s funny! Because it’s now spring not Christmas! That’s funny, isn’t it! Isn’t it?
7. An Eighties pop song
So you can lie to people by saying, “No I don’t remember when this came out, I don’t think I was born…“