Standard blue disposable mask
Admit it. You’re wearing the disposable masks because they’re the ones that make you look like a surgeon. You are living out your surgeon fantasy every time you put that thing on. ‘CBC, type and cross eight, let’s get a portable chest, AP pelvis and prep for a central line, I need betadine, sterile gloves and a foley, hook this up to the rapid infuser,’ you say to yourself every time you pass a mirror (you’re wearing it at home, obviously). ‘I’m sorry to say it’s a pulmonary embolism, but no one’s dying on MY table today,’ you probably shouldn’t have said out loud as you were standing in the queue for Tesco.
Pretty floral mask
Looks nice. So cute. So matchy. You spent lockdown reorganising your drawers, learning to cross-stitch and photo-albuming your entire life experience complete with motivational quotes written with the penmanship from that online calligraphy course you took. Next up is making your own valance. You are terrifying.
Plastic head visor
All that personal space. And the Diana landmine vibes. And you are slightly pretending that you can’t hear people properly because why not? Never been happier.
Mask you made yourself
All those YouTube tutorials you watched during lockdown have got to amount to something, surely? Not paying £25 for something you could easily fashion yourself out of a t-shirt. Maybe this could be a small business? Maybe you could be on Etsy? Does it *really* need to stay secured over your ears the WHOLE time you’re wearing it?
Mask your friend made you
Just feeling so guilty that you forgot her birthday and didn’t ask about her mother’s leg the last time you spoke – so you’re now wearing a mask that has ninja hedgehogs or ‘KISS ME (NOT REALLY)’ written across it. Because she made it just for you. Oh God.
Everything looks better when it has a label. Even coronavirus.
High tech mask with specialist material
You are the new car bore. The new tech bore. No one cares about durability or breathability or any of the ‘bilities. This mask will only be of interest if it has an off-button to stop you talking forever.