spongebob squarepants, thinking, stroking chin, hmmm, pondering

What to say when people ask you, ‘How was your summer?’

  • Wait….we had a summer?
  • It was all seven seasons of Suits, that hilarious thing with Billie Piper, Normal People three times in a row (with crying), MasterChef (or was that last year? Are we still doing years?) and the Michael Jordan documentary, mostly pausing on him in mid-shot looking really hot.
  • It was great – I went to Italy and then I went to Portugal and then I went to Greece, but it was all vicariously via other people’s Instagram, so I’m not sure if I need to quarantine or not.
  • I spent it indoors probably developing rickets.
  • Nice, thanks – my mask tan-line is terrible though, I look like a Kinder Surprise.
  • I stayed alert. I think.
  • If this is your way of asking me if I am now a borderline pro-runner or baker, or if I learnt Catalonian and am now fluent, let me remind you that some of us had drawers to rearrange and dishwashers to empty 29 times a day.
  • All you need to know is that I am now VERY close to my Ocado man. The end.
  • I socially distanced from myself and actually it was a relief.
  • There was no summer. It’s a government conspiracy theory to CONTROL YOU, DO NOT FALL FOR IT.
  • I have no idea, I spent most of it checking my temperature and googling ‘Can you catch coronavirus from people who look at you weirdly?’
  • Whatever, it was fine, does this mask make me look fat?
  • There was a lot of sweating during the heatwave. Or was it crying? Basically I just sort of leaked for most of July.
  • I spent it putting ancient hexes on people who wear masks under their noses.
  • Summer 2020 doesn’t count. It’s basically the new PPI – ‘Were you fraudulently sold another year of your life that you weren’t able to use? You’re not alone.’
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