- “I’m getting married. Hopefully to you. Will you marry me? If not, do you know anyone who will?”
- “I’m going to spend the entire day and the entire night having sex. Please tell your dad to be round by 9am sharp.”
- “Stalking all my exes on Instagram and leaving heartbreak emojis in their comments followed by ten crying faces. If I can’t be happy, NO ONE CAN.”
- “Wait. Is this you trying to tell me you love me?”
- “Hopefully going on a date with a man who fancies me as much as Donald Trump fancies his daughter.”
- “Randomly joining couples at their tables in restaurants, pointing at the woman and saying, ‘Er, who is she? I’m your WIFE.’”
- “Getting very drunk and Googling pictures of Hugh Laurie in House.”
- “Having a sexual frustration party. You can come if you bring me a bag of Minstrels and a future husband.”
- “Eating cheese and crying. Just a normal Thursday for some of us.”
- “Texting your boyfriend. Just kidding.” *stares menacingly*
- “Reading the Bible and praying for your soul.”
- “Two words: internet porn.”
- “Arguing with my husband that giving me the chocolate I gave him in his Christmas stocking does not count as a present.”
- “My boyfriend and I are going to try some role-playing this Valentine’s. I want to go for a ‘dance of the 75 foot veil’ in a Priyanka Chopra/Joe Jonas wedding night fantasy, but he’s keener on Andy Murray being consoled by his wife on early retirement. What do you think?”
- “I don’t know. Why, what have you heard?”
- “Trying to beat Prince’s record of twenty-three positions in a one-night stand.”
