maleficent, angelina jolie, solo woman, single woman, empowered, valentine's day

What to say if people ask what you’re doing on Valentine’s day

  1. “I’m getting married. Hopefully to you. Will you marry me? If not, do you know anyone who will?”
  2. “I’m going to spend the entire day and the entire night having sex. Please tell your dad to be round by 9am sharp.”
  3. Stalking all my exes on Instagram and leaving heartbreak emojis in their comments followed by ten crying faces. If I can’t be happy, NO ONE CAN.”
  4. “Wait. Is this you trying to tell me you love me?”
  5. “Hopefully going on a date with a man who fancies me as much as Donald Trump fancies his daughter.”
  6. “Randomly joining couples at their tables in restaurants, pointing at the woman and saying, ‘Er, who is she? I’m your WIFE.’”
  7. Getting very drunk and Googling pictures of Hugh Laurie in House.”
  8. “Having a sexual frustration party. You can come if you bring me a bag of Minstrels and a future husband.”
  9. “Eating cheese and crying. Just a normal Thursday for some of us.”
  10. “Texting your boyfriend. Just kidding.” *stares menacingly*
  11. “Reading the Bible and praying for your soul.”
  12. “Two words: internet porn.”
  13. “Arguing with my husband that giving me the chocolate I gave him in his Christmas stocking does not count as a present.”
  14. “My boyfriend and I are going to try some role-playing this Valentine’s. I want to go for a ‘dance of the 75 foot veil’ in a Priyanka Chopra/Joe Jonas wedding night fantasy, but he’s keener on Andy Murray being consoled by his wife on early retirement. What do you think?”
  15. “I don’t know. Why, what have you heard?”
  16. “Trying to beat Prince’s record of twenty-three positions in a one-night stand.”
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