bridget jones diary, renee zellweger, pyjamas, animal print, nightwear, sleep, bedtime

What your nightwear says about you

1. M&S brushed cotton pyjamas

You are a sexual legend. You’ve done it with everybody. Affairs with famous lead singers, other people’s dads, ancient and pervy artists, neurotic photographers, the gardener at school, a supermodel, several massive film stars and a despondent politician (that was a mercy shag). You are now married to a sweet man who is shorter than you, but who makes you laugh and gives you the best orgasms of your life.

2. Boxers and a t-shirt

You have never recovered from the thrill of wearing your boyfriend’s clothes from university. In fact, these are your boyfriend’s clothes from university. Sometimes you think you can still smell him. No one must ever know.

3. Lunn Antique nightie

You read The Woman In White when you were 15 and you never got over it. You like to carry a candle round the house instead of switching the lights on and you pretend to be shocked when people say ‘damn’. You press flowers in huge old copies of Gibbon’s Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. And you also always have a wrap of coke on you. It’s a bit like snuff, isn’t it?

4. Naked

You believe that your skin is an organ that deserves to breathe too, particularly the skin of your vagina. You may not be a vegan, but you are sympathetic to vegans and you hate ironing.

5. Victoria’s Secret Sleep Romper

You were captain of the netball team at school and kind of a maths nerd. You now run your own hedge fund and were a self-made millionaire by your mid-twenties. You bought this romper when you were in New York. You also bought a whole brownstone in the West Village while you were there too.

6. A onesie

You paint your toenails different colours, like a rainbow, but you also know the names of every bone in the human body.

7. Silk pyjamas

You are on your fourth husband, a ruthless smoker, drink gin in the bath and have connections with the Russian mafia. You still think Eurotrash is the funniest TV show ever made (you dated Antoine in the nineties).

8. Your clothes

Yes, it’s what you were wearing in the day but you were so tired, you just fell asleep, oh God, stop talking….exhau….sted.

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