Gluten-free
Gluten-free is the cunning not-eating-bread-but-yes-kind-of-still-eating-bread option. The ‘I don’t smoke anymore except when I do smoke, which is sometimes, like now for instance’ position. The gluten-free people may glaze over a bit when you ask them what gluten actually does to them and why they have decided to cut it out, but they’ll mutter about bloating and the conversation will be over.
Pescatarian
Animals have feelings. They love us and they love each other and I’m not eating anything with a face that gives birth to cute babies and knows how to build a home for itself. Except for fish. F**k those ugly f***ers – can I have some more garlic butter please and does it come with fries and bloody hell, look at the bones on this bastard.
Vegan
Vegans used to be so misunderstood. Now vegans are sexy as hell. They are healthier than you, thinner than you, with more energy and better skin and righteous indignation with regard to saving the planet. They are the superior, dominant race. When the nuclear attack comes, all that will survive is the cockroaches and the vegans.
Dairy-free
Dairy free-ers love a substitute. Almond milk, fermented soya yogurt, coconut cream, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. The dairy-free consumer lives in an alternative universe of plant-based substances, masking their disgust for the dubious assortment of textures and flavours while reminding us how gross it is that we have just put a liquid squeezed from a cow’s body into our drinks. And cheese is actually rotten, you know. And their nasal passages are clearer than ours, so…
No refined sugar
These people have got such a handle on their moods, while the rest of us are zooming about from rage to lethargy to hysteria to apathy. They’re so calm and in control. Naturally energetic. Great teeth. They know about things like stevia and xylitol. And yet, while you’re eating your Crunchie in front of them, THEY ARE DYING INSIDE.
No nightshades
If you meet someone who doesn’t eat nightshades, it’s only because Gisele Bundchen doesn’t eat nightshades (that’s aubergines, mushrooms or anything red to you and me). She also said giving birth “didn’t hurt in the slightest” and is married to a man who looks like he was genetically engineered in a NASA laboratory. Yes, they’re both extraordinary physical specimens, but we can eat a pizza and they can’t, so who’s the winner now?
