what your beachwear says

What your beachwear says about you

Full-length designer kaftan

Sand. Um, yes, it’s a bit… rather prefer the deck of a yacht. Could you be an absolute poppet and put that umbrella up for me, I haven’t put my face in the sun since 1987Just going to wash a little Xanax down with this Mint Julep, it helps me not to worry about the number of people currently peeing in the sea. 

Short high street kaftan

If it weren’t for Zara, you would have no clothes. Apart from the ones you buy on ASOS. And at Gap. You spotted this kaftan on one of the girls in Love Island and Googled it and yes, it was from Zara, of course it was – plus it turned out Kate Moss has a similar one (hers is by Mara Hoffman, but you know, it’s close – they rhyme for starters). You like to march your way through summer with a bottle of fake tan in one hand (usually quite badly applied, but who has the time when the sun shines?) and a large glass of Aperol in the other (whoever said Aperol is passé is completely wrong). 

T-shirt and shorts

Not the kind to sit around reading some boring book. Much more likely to be building sandcastles/playing that beach ping-pong (sans table) where you constantly hit the ball at people by accident/hurling sticks for the dog into the sea/chasing people with seaweed/trying to cajole companions into a game of rounders. Couldn’t think of anything more dull than sitting still/sleeping/sunbathing. Beach volleyball, anyone?? Who wants to go kite surfing??

Transparent Indian cotton dress bought in the local market

Aren’t these foreign markets marvellous? Picked this Indian cotton dress up for virtually nothing in Goa. Have to be slightly careful where I wear it because it’s see-through obviously and that doesn’t always go down well, does it? Won’t be taking it to Marrakech again, put it that way. Which is, incidentally, where I picked up these shoes. Yes, they’ve been glued back together a few times, but look at the craftsmanship – if you look closely, you can see the stitching under the glue. Before it all came undone. These bracelets are from Thailand. They don’t make my skin itch anymore, which is a huge result

Terry towelling playsuit

You still sleep with your childhood toys in your bed and give everyone nicknames. You have been known to talk in a baby voice when people are angry with you and sometimes you wear your hair in plaits – but – you are very good at Trivial Pursuit, especially the science questions, and you are RUTHLESS when it comes to other people’s love-lives. Friend’s boyfriends shudder in the icy shadow you cast over them. 


Who needs a cover-up? Who has time for in-between clothes? Is it flattering – who cares? You are not complicated about anything. Let’s get drunk

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