Welcome To The Midultverse Meme

Welcome To The Midultverse

Increasingly, it looks as though we are going to be coerced into the metaverse – clearly a disaster. Forget the Metaverse for a moment, here is the Midultverse, where innovation is designed to make our lives easier and saner.

Forget flying cars. Think of how much better life would be if you had a duvet that changed its own cover. And flumphed on to the bed beautifully, with tightly stretched bottom sheets that you could bounce coins on. No struggle, no sweating, no swearing. The first brick on the path to a better world.

In the Midultverse there is standard sizing for clothes, so you know what you are going to get. A size 12 is a size 12 and that’s it, no torture. No ‘will it or won’t it fit?’ or ‘Why am I a 16 here and size 10 here? In the Midultverse everything is streamlined and the lighting is sensational.

Consistency is all. For example. All TV channels are set to the same volume so you don’t find yourselves switching over and being deafened by Netflix when you literally couldn’t hear a thing on Amazon Prime. There’s no sound rollercoaster where you are flung from not being able to understand the mumbling, to being attacked by the shouting.

In the Midultverse, the remote control will immediately appear in your hand. It will fly into your palm before you have time to panic about where it is and whether you threw it away when you were in one of those weird autopilot moods. In fact, this feature of the Midultverse is not limited to remote controls but any small domestic item that has a tendency to wander: phones, glasses, keys, wallet. We’d be so zen…

We also hope that that our ‘verse would be so advanced that socks mate for life. Like swans, penguins and lobsters.

Speaking of romance, in the Midultverse, when you hug a tree, it hugs you back. Imagine the joy, the sheer happiness. Imagine how many trees we would plant.

Back to our own selfish Midult goals. Bad pictures of ourselves would immediately delete themselves. And not just ones on our own phones. We’ve all been in a group shot where everyone looks great and we are the gargoyle and it’s posted and you feel too ashamed to make a fuss. Well, in the Midultverse, that picture would have instantly self-deleted. There would never again exist a bad picture of you. That may mean that no record of you would then exist at all. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Last but not least: Charge is infinite. Nothing ever runs out of battery. Once on, it works forever. No cables, no panic, no wrong widget bits, no ‘Sorry but you need the newer version of the charger’. We don’t care how this happens or why this happens. If we were talking to the coders building our Midultverse we would say ‘Bring us solutions – not problems’. And they would be frightened and yet also inspired. And they would build it.

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