We live life in a state of constant peril. On the edge. Teetering. And sometimes we like to live dangerously. And do crazy shit like…
Resting our eyes
You know when you think, ‘I’ll just close my eyes for a second’. DO NOT DO IT. Anything could happen. You don’t know if you will jolt awake suddenly and it will be 2027, and you will be naked. Without your handbag. Or your phone.
Talking about money
Maybe you are not afraid to negotiate. Or maybe you write down what you think you should charge, freak out and halve it. Maybe you double it. Maybe you have Big Invoicing Energy. But talking about it is hardcore risky because then everyone in the room goes into an internal FRENZY about how little or how much money they have – and everyone feels most uncomfortable.
Buying anything violently on trend
Picture the scene. You are in a shop and you are magnetically attracted to a hologrammatic bum bag. Or cycling shorts. You know you shouldn’t. You know that there is a 99.9% chance that you will leave the house looking like an arsehole. But there’s also a 0.1% chance that you will look magnificent and find Insta Influencer fame. OK, so you know that won’t happen. But you proceed, unapprehended by common sense or self-knowledge.
Dry clean only washing
Because they are dirty but dry cleaning is expensive: and it doesn’t get the little stains out, it’s more of a suggestion of a clean than a deep clean. So you put it in on ‘delicate’. Surely it will be fine? 42 mins of Sartre-esque angst later. It’s fucked. We are all fucked.
Running for a bus
It’s just there. Not pulling away yet. You can almost touch it. Yes, you know that so-and-so hurt themselves getting out of bed. And that whatshername dislocated her pelvis stepping off the pavement. But you run a bit round the park every now and then. And who cares if your bag weighs a tonne and is basically unbalancing you, so what if you have to dodge 15 people like in one of those Tough Mudder things that you are never going to do. You will be fine. You will make the bus. Uninjured.
You all know those days when you over-caffeinate and spend 25 minutes with sweating eyeballs, talking yourself down off the coffee cliff? Well, what about those days when you under-caffeinate? Make the high-risk decision to have less coffee, a decaf (*spits*) even. And you realise that you are more sloth than human woman. But still angry.
Sewing something yourself
Everything is too long, too short, could do with an extra stitch or two so you don’t flash the world with any of your bits. Sure, you could buy it and alter it a bit, I mean, how hard can hemming be? Is that even a word? It is a word and turns out it’s quite hard.
Wearing high heels
For work power dressing. Fast forward to later that night weeping on the sofa rubbing your bunions. Who’s sexy now?
You could have said going out without a coat. Or going out in downtown Bogata. But actually everything has escalated rather, hasn’t it? So just going out will do. *shivers*
Scrolling through Instagram in the bath
You have eyes on your phone at all times. You are manic about the safety of your phone. It has more protection than your house. And yet when it comes to a scroll in the bath, you are totally cavalier about it. You barely consider the terrible consequences. Get you.
Looking in the mirror
Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it. Oh you did it. See also Facetime.