Sometimes we just want to say, ‘Alexa, please turn our feelings off.’ But sometimes our self-loathing and paranoia is our greatest weapon, helping you win at life one act of self-hatred at a time.
Burning down the house
If you don’t have to check that the hob is off 25 times before leaving the house then are you really alive? Yes this is a tiring and physically draining anxiety spiral but on the plus side the house has never burned down. *CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE SAID THAT OUT LOUD* *RUNS HOME TO CHECK THE HOB*
Time after time
Given you are 90% sure no one really wants to see you, and when you get there you will have nothing to say or contribute, the least you can be is fanatically on time. You are famous for it. If you were a superheroine, you would be ON TIME GIRL. Sexy.
The people’s princess
You are extremely bad at being on your own side. Bad at standing up for yourself. Bad at asking for things, like help. And pay rises. PITIFUL. However, fuelled by righteous indignation and all the times you have sat on your own feelings, you are extremely good at agitating on other’s behalf. As a result you are a bit of a champion. And people look up to you.
The polite paranoia
You know that terrible slideshow of everything you said last night when you were ‘drinking’? Everything you did, wore, how many times you went to the loo (too many), did you talk too much (yes), did you do that weird cross-eyed staring when someone was talking to you because you weren’t listening and just thinking was it too early to get in an Uber? Yes. As a result you send hand-written gorgeous thank you letters to make it all go away. And maybe flowers. Gosh, aren’t you polite?
The like like
You like everything on Instagram because you don’t want anyone to know that you are actually judging them and secretly jealous of their hob cover/breakfast/wellington boot. So you like, like, like from your Gollum-y cave and everyone thinks you are a nice person. Maybe you are a nice person. Or maybe you just don’t want anyone to know that you’re depressed.
You are a terrible driver who shouldn’t have a licence and will drive 15 miles out of your way to avoid small parking spaces and tiny two-way streets. You cover up your crippling driving anxiety (and it’s only getting worse so JESUS) by letting every single person in. You are the most considerate driver in the world. You compulsively give way. You are basically a road saint. With high blood pressure.