You are finally just beginning to pretend to relax. Nothing to stop you getting plenty of rest tonight… oh wait, here come all your inner demons. Such a dedicated lot. There’s…
Martin The Money Demon
Martin is a bit of a jobsworth. He likes to clock in at around 3am. His current theme is the mortgage and how you are never going to pay it off and he likes to talk and talk about all that money, yes all that money you’ve spent and why you haven’t got a pension. Martin is a dull demon. But a highly effective one.
Alan The Alzheimer’s Demon/Lee The Death Demon
Alan has been around a lot lately because you have been watching Alzheimer’s porn (Iris, The Notebook) and frankly at this moment, given you cannot remember anything at all ever, you are more afraid of Alan than Lee. But you’d never tell Lee that. Because he can be a bit spiteful.
Simon The You’ve Always Been Bad In Bed Demon
Simon needs you to know that, when you were young and had a desperate-to-please porn film playing in your head, it was all a bit mannered and embarrassing. Everyone thought so. And he is keen to stress, now you are old and experienced, you are merely old. He needs you to realise that your tricks are pathetic and that everyone says so: ‘You think you have moves? You don’t have moves. In fact, you don’t even move.’
Angus The Ageing Demon
‘You will never look untired again,’ whispers Angus. He has a Scottish accent. ‘And you are starting to look like a man. And sound like a man. And you know that running away fund you have secretly stashed? Use it for a full facelift or people will start running away from you. Also…a nose strimmer? I’ll just leave you with that thought…’
Paul The Property Demon
The crash, the crash, the crash. Paul whizzes up, in his metaphorical Lexus, to remind you that, if you had balls, you would have sold six months ago to rent for two years and then pounce, vulture-like, on all the bargains. But you do not have balls. You have never had balls.
Tarquin The Travel Demon
Tarquin has just come back from six months in Patagonia and he just can’t believe you are still stuck here, in the suburbs, lying in bed staring at the ceiling, sun-starved and depleted and frankly a bit scaly from all that time spent in opaque tights rather than following your star to Nova Scotia. Because that’s where he’s going next. You are trapped. He is free. That much is clear. Can’t you at least get your helix pierced?
Colin The Cancer Demon
Colin likes the small pains the best. He like to just nudge the brain from the slightly sore throat towards the family history and back again – via the 20 a day that you smoked at university. Colin is a joy sucker, extracting the yum from every glass of wine, every slice of salami, every grain of refined sugar.
Ian The Imposter Demon
If Ian is around it means you’ve got a job interview (get you), a major presentation (yikes), a meeting with investors (not going to go well), a pay review (ha ha ha). Ian is a bit of a mansplainer too. He doesn’t think you understand anything. Oh God, he’s right.
Yolanda The You’re-An-Embarrassment Demon
Yolanda never draws breath: ‘Why did you say that? Why did you even open your mouth? You are an idiot. And you sounded mean. No one cares if you didn’t MEAN to be mean because you sound mean. And jealous. Your voice doesn’t help. Reedy. Thin. Pointless. Dickish. I hate your laugh. Everyone hates your laugh.’
Ramona The Romance Demon
‘Clearly, in order to make yourself in any way loveable, you need to change,’ says Ramona as she sips a Molotov cocktail. It’s not them. It’s you. You are falling short. You are broken. There is something missing in you. You may never find love. And then you and Ramona can be together, alone, forever.
I’m Absolutely Fine! The Manual for Imperfect Women is out in paperback now