- If I had a massage everyday, I would be a totally different person. Serene, like Joanna Lumley, and with no fluid retention, like Kendall Jenner.
- If only I were the sort of person who did their tax expenses at the end of every month instead of waiting for a whole year before repeatedly putting it off and then almost crying all the way through it because it’s JUST SO BORING.
- I can’t really relax until I know who will be playing Prince Philip in the next series of The Crown.
- OhChristOhChristOhChrist, I haven’t waxed my legs and now the massage therapist is going to tell people she might as well have been massaging Jeff Goldblum when he was in The Fly or Griffin Dunne in An American Werewolf in London, except they were both less hairy.
- I think this is making me thinner and THAT’S why it’s OK for it to be as unbefuckinglievably painful as this.
- ‘Colours of the world! (Spice up your life!) Every boy and every girl! (Spice up your life!)’
- If Beyonce and Jay-Z’s son Sir Carter gets an honorary knighthood, he will be Sir Sir Carter. Or if people address him as ‘Sir’ to be polite, he might think they are being very forward by calling him by his first name. They just didn’t think it through…
- What if my face gets stuck in this ring it’s currently jammed into and they have to break the table in half, with me naked on it, to get me out of it? Or the mark it makes on my face never fades?
- Will the fact that I chose to be naked over wearing the paper knickers make me look like a perv/dubious bohemian of some kind?
- Do I acknowledge my stomach’s persistent gurgling?
- Is it rude not to be in deep conversation with this person?
- Is it nearly over? Don’t let it be nearly over. It can’t nearly be over, can it? OH GOD, IT’S OVER.
