munch, scream, painting, panic, anxiety, spiralling thoughts, the thought spiral

The thought spiral

A thought is not just a thought. It doesn’t exist in isolation. A thought dawns and then it grows, connects to lots of other thoughts both old and new. Then they form a spiders web with all the feelings both old and new. And then they conspire to take you to a place where you didn’t think you would go. At great speed. A dark, cold, scary place. This is called spiralling. It is unhelpful.

From grocery order to terminal illness

So you forget for the 15th time to put green juice on the grocery order. So obviously you are worried that you have early onset dementia. So not only are you going to die from all the toxicity that you have been unable to prevent with green juice, but soon you will not be able to remember where the loo is. So now you are panicking about death and wetting yourself, which makes you panic so much you are actually having a heart attack, right now, aren’t you?

From diary malfunction to madness

So you are going out two nights in a row, which is a blip in the diary space continuum, not to mention a physical and emotional catastrophe. But you know as you tap it into the digital calendar that runs your life like a malevolent dictator that it means you are going to be tired. So tired. And that means you won’t sleep because you’ll be adrenalised by your terror of even more tiredness. And how long can a human go without sleep before they go mad and start dissolving from crying and dry skin? And so all that will be left of you is a mound of crusty flakes?

From WhatsApp to WTF?

So you haven’t received a response from a text/WhatsApp/email that you sent three seconds ago which means that, as you suspected, you have done something unforgivable/are a pariah/unloveable/terrible at your job and you are going to be shunned/exiled/sacked. It’s all over for you. Maybe looking at Instagram will distract you from impending doom? Maybe this is why you find yourself at 3am in a torn dressing gown trying to take selfies because if you are an influencer then everyone will NEED to be your friend…

From reading to a hideous accident

So you haven’t been able to read any of your improving book about the decline of human civilisation because basically it is really heavy (literally and metaphorically) and also all you want to do is try and sleep but you are worried that you once had a power brain that would eat this kinda tome for breakfast and now you are an, what’s the word… an idiot. You know nothing and you should never go out because everyone will know that you are actually a moron and you will stand in the corner of the party by the large, slightly aggressive indoor plant trying to think of things to say and then be run over by the 94 bus on the way home wearing knickers that will, during the post mortem, definitely not reflect who you really are.

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