tootsie, grooming, shaving, personal care, beard

Things we’ve forgotten how to do


Is it possible to mute yourself when you’re talking to another person in person or will they notice? Can you pretend your internet lost connection so you can go for a pee/check your phone? How does this work again?

Drink glamorously

Drinking is no longer a social pastime. It has become an essential standard by which we measure how life is going. Either sober because we’re very much in control or smashed and wearing the pyjamas we’ve now been in for a full 72 hours. The drunk shopping is becoming very unexpected (you’re delivering Mexican ceramic tiles, you say? Imported FROM actual Mexico? Oh). To go with the new kitchen you just ordered. Of course. Oh God.


There is TikTok dancing to the theme music from ITV news just to see if you can learn the routine. There is drunk and crying dancing because this is all so anxious-making. Or there is wild, ecstatic dancing because all the anxiety adrenaline has become unleashed to the opening bars of Gypsy Woman (She’s Homeless) by Crystal Waters. None of this should be witnessed by other humans.

Meaningfully depilate

There’s just a lot of hair and it’s poking out all over the shop. This is going to be less like topiary and more like cutting down a rainforest.

Get dressed

Jeans, you say? But they don’t have elasticated waists. And heels? Are they lined with sheepskin? Whatever next? BRAS? Like, ALL THE TIME?


Wait. How do we get all this stuff into one bag? Where do the shoes go? And the special neck pillow? Is it normal for the cat to get in too? What do I need? Where am I going? Have I got knickers? I think I have to cancel – this is too stressful.

Utilise critical faculties

Some serious social regression has taken place over the last year. We might as well be new-born babies unleashed into the world with no capacity to judge character, no radar for toxicity, no ability to pick up on red flags waving frantically in our faces. We can barely form full sentences or hold a pencil, let alone be trusted to interact safely with our fellow man. Why does it all make us feel so VULNERABLE? Best keep ourselves to ourselves for a while longer, no?

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on email