Most of the time you are glowing with mental stability. Course you are. I mean, it’s obvious to everyone who meets you, right? But despite your serenity and throbbing emotional well-being, there are the teeny tiny things that knock you off your stability cloud. Which, as we said, you are floating on most of the time. Absolutely you are. Anyway, these are things like…
Going out two nights in a row
It happened by accident. It was a slip; one of those unavoidable diary jenga nightmares that meant seeing someone this week or not until in 2021. But the pain. The remorse. The resentment. Because going out two days in a row is impossible to recover from – like one of those scenes in war films where the wounded person asks if the wound is bad. AND EVERYONE KNOWS THEY ARE GOING TO DIE. Are you going to die? It certainly feels that way.
You think most people in your social group have similar views on issues like abortion or equal pay or climate change. It’s like an echo chamber IRL. And while you are all for healthy debate (or are you?) and democracy (mostly) it is a bit of a shock when someone you like(d) comes out with something you really disagree with. Like withholding birth control. It suddenly feels incredibly personal, like a slap in the face. You don’t want to fall out but WTF are they thinking? Who even are they? Can you ever look at them again? You certainly can’t have sex with them. Another one bites the dust.
Nothing like a bit of traffic to destabilise you faster than you can say ‘get out of the way you motherfucker’ and then start crying. Crying behind the wheel – one of our favourite things.
You love a nap. Naps are the cornerstone of your mental health. Without them you would be more violent and less reasonable. But despite this, there is still the odd nap that leaves you feeling two-days-in-Glastonbury-with-Pete-Doherty-ish. You wake up dry mouthed, insane and crying, smelling and feeling like you have just crawled out of the portaloo. The rest of the day is a write off. WORSE STILL you’ve got nap fear for weeks.
Most of the time your relationship with Amazon is as smooth as salted caramel hot sauce. But suddenly there’s a tear in the atmosphere because you need a tiny but crucial thing. Two words ‘ADD ON’. And you just did an incredibly organised order yesterday. Now you run around asking ANYONE if they need anything so you can reach the add on limit. You get quite panicked. THIS IS NOT HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.
You have an electric toothbrush because you are more obsessed with your teeth than any other part of your body. They feel like the window to your soul, now that your eyes are just dulled by exhaustion and your arse is travelling down to your knees. But when you knock over the electric toothbrush and it takes everything on the sink down like a hideous game of bathroom dominos? FYL.
All the stuff that needs doing
ALL THE STUFF THAT NEEDS DOING. BUT ALL THE STUFF THAT NEEDS DOING. BUT BUT ALL THE STUFF. STUFF. ALL. DOING.
When you know that someone is angry with you
You are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but you do make a conscious effort not to piss anyone off. To always consider others, except in a traffic jam (see above) or when next door’s extension has been going on for a year with no sign of let up. So when you do slip up and upset someone, it burns. You swing wildly from righteous indignation to abject mortification. From screw you sister to oh my god please forgive me. You say a million sorries, resenting 25% of them. Nothing sits well with you. You itch every time you think about it. For at least a year.