Why is it so hot?
Maybe you are peri-menopausal. And that is why you are sweating the entire time even in your air-conditioned lair. Or maybe you are just in a constant rush because oh my God there is so much to do. Everyone is either away or preparing to go away which means you are doing 2x your workload as well as thinking about the stylish yet comfortable summer wardrobe you have failed to assemble; the grooming you haven’t done; the books you haven’t read; the sex you are not having; the fact that you quite want a nose piercing and maybe you are simply going mad and this muck sweat is an outwards manifestation of your inner derailing.
Why is everyone so slow?
In the supermarket, at your office, on email, on the phone, anyone explaining things ever, in the theatre (so slow, why do they talk so slow, why does it start so early and still go on for so long?), during the ad break, even the water in your shower is SLOW.
After this week things will calm down a bit again and everything will be OK.
Except you say this every single week. Will you be saying it on your death bed? It seems inevitable.
Why is my phone ringing?
Who the fuck changed your ring tone so it’s an old-fashioned landline sound which is triggering every single time? And just reminds you of that time Duncan from Sixth Form dumped you for Hannah in your class. Or every time your parents called you at university and you were drunk and needed money and felt pathetic. ALSO what more can people want from you? YOU HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE.
Why isn’t my phone ringing?
Sure you are inconsistent. You wanna make something of it?
I am so pleased with my new coat hangers
This thought crosses your mind at least once a day and sometimes you even say it out loud, whispering sweet nothings to the wooden creatures. You used to fantasise about Turkey and that sex god and Tuscany and Alaia dresses. Now it’s hangers. With clips on them. Which is absolutely fine.
I can’t go out. I went out yesterday/last week/last month
Are you mad? Do you know how long it takes to recover from a double night out? Of course you do. *howls*
Where’s the loo?
Sorry where’s the loo? Excuse me where’s the loo? I am looking for the bathroom. Is the loo there? Sorry, I just need the loo. Will you excuse me? Just going to pop to the bathroom. Is three times an hour too much? How much peeing is too much peeing?