Things you say just before having a catastrophic nervous breakdown

Every now and again someone says something INCREDIBLY POSITIVE and alarm bells ring. These are not uncharitable alarm bells. They are the alarm bells of experience; the sirens of those who have lived and loved and lost and gone mad more than once. Mostly we merely say we’re absolutely fine. But sometimes we sail far beyond absolutely fine and come unanchored in unchartered emotional waters. Not safe ones. Shark-infested ones. Here are some of the things we have said just before we’ve capsized…

‘Meditating for two hours a day is really working for me’

Is it though? Are you really meditating or are you a) passing out with anxiety – a kind of disempowered nap where your body and mind just involuntarily shut down in a desperate attempt to reboot or b) sitting in a chair with your eyes closed thinking ‘wtf, wtf, wtf, wtf, wtf’? This is not a positive nourishing mantra. Are you serene or are you catatonic?

‘I think I may actually be superwoman’

Yes you have thrown two parties, flown to Australia and back for business, exercised like a motherfucker and started your Christmas list on an actual excel spreadsheet – all in the last week. Yes, you are also about to be sectioned. If only for tempting fate, you idiot.

‘Exercising at 4am is just a game-changer’

We all know that exercise is the thing that keeps you in a place that approximates mental stability. So it’s so great that you are in charge of your life and your mind and your time and you’ve managed to find a window. At 4am. *stares hard*

‘I think I am being followed’

You know that creepy feeling at the base of your spine that tingles up to your neck and makes you whip your neck round to catch the person that is most definitely not following you. Well it’s actually your nervous breakdown catching up with you. You can run but you can’t hide.*

‘This food-free, liquid only diet is amazing’

A hateful friend posted an unflattering photograph of you (she looked fabulous obvs – threw you under the bus). Anyway you decided to try a new-fangled diet because you are haunted by that photograph. But you’ve lost a stone more than you should have done, people keep telling you that you look worryingly thin, you are absurdly pleased when they say this and your trousers fell down in the queue at Co-op. See you in the asylum. For a sandwich…

*If you are actually being followed call the police

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