alexa, artificial intelligence, robots, intelligent, turn my feelings off

Things we’d like Alexa to do

1. Alexa, turn off my feelings

This is not only my wish, but the wish of everyone I have come into contact with today. I would like to stop crying/shouting/being passive aggressive/suspicious/weirdly euphoric. At least not all in one hour.

2. Alexa, apologise to my mother

Then I won’t have to. Again.

3. Alexa, clean out the fridge

Because I literally cannot be arsed even though those spring onions have been there for about 25 years and are now grey sticks.

4. Alexa, end Brexit

Alexa, would you like to be the next Prime Minister? I’d vote for you.

5. Alexa, make Mark Carney fall in love with me

He’s so hot. And calm. And he knows about money. Can you also look into Canadian citizenship (although when we marry, that will be taken care of).

6. Alexa, make these jeans less tight

Because I can’t breathe and the blood supply to my feet is dwindling. Seriously, what are you playing at?

7. Alexa, reheat this cup of tea I forgot about

You’ll easily be able to find it. It’s next to the last cup of tea I forgot to drink within three seconds of making it.

8. Alexa, make my hair look better today

I look like Poldark. Who looks like Whitney Houston in the ‘I Will Always Love You’ video. Help.

9. Alexa, please stop me spending money I don’t have

Why are you so irresponsible? Why have those new plates turned up? Who ordered them? Was it you? Or was it you influencing me without my knowledge? What else are you controlling? What has happened to my free will? Send them back at once…(actually, they’re really pretty, I’m obsessed with them).

10. Alexa, make me good at tennis

I need instruction. What do you know about backhands?

11. Alexa, make me a sandwich

I’m so hungry, but I’m also tired. You’re in the kitchen, I’m not, which means you’re closer to the ham than I am.

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