Isn’t it reassuring when you find that you have just SO MUCH in common with someone. But it’s less reassuring when you find you have SO MUCH in common with things. Inanimate things. Things that are boring and go wrong…
Things me and my phone have in common:
- Runs out of battery much quicker than it used to.
- Covered in cracks where it’s been knocked about a bit by the universe.
- Never know if it will take an update (see sparkly hairclip/iOS 13).
Things me and my bank account have in common:
- More and more depleted as life goes on.
- Experiences flurries of irresponsible activity.
- A bottomless pit of need.
Things me and my handbag have in common:
- Scuffed and a little frayed around the edges but can’t afford to swank self up.
- Enormous, heavy, unwieldy, prone to sagging and occasionally threatening.
- Full of baggage and other bits of old shit.
Things me and my kettle have in common:
- Scaly, but who has time to descale? Especially now it’s winter.
- Overheats unpredictably. Sometimes it/I even just stays on boil for ages simply unable to turn itself off and an intervention is required.
Things me and my laptop have in common:
- Crashes at the worst possible times.
- Can’t seem to wake-up.
- Can in no way multi-task.
Things me and my underwear drawer have in common:
- Very dodgy past.
- Still carrying the fizz of possibility in the form of a few bits from Agent Provocateur which represent the triumph of hope over experience.
- Ripe for a clear out that WILL NEVER HAPPEN.