- Porridge: Vast vats of it. Made with semi-skimmed milk. And honey. Then a bit more honey. And some banana because it’s fruit and I need energy because of the workout I nearly did this morning. Porridge at desk at 9.30. Vastly expanded stomach capacity. Ravenous by 11.
- Jacket potatoes: The skin is pure fibre apparently. And it’s a (large) vegetable. No, I won’t have cheese because that’s a bit fattening so I’ll just have that tuna mayonnaise instead. Yes please, butter would be good. Bit more? Mashed in? No, I won’t have salad. It will make me too full and I have a party to go to tonight.
- Sushi: The rice bowls count as sushi because they come from the same kitchen as the lean tuna sashimi, right? Of course right. And one of those noodly-doodly soups on the side. Do you even know how good this pickled ginger is for your metabolism? Like, so good.
- Brown pasta, brown rice, brown toast, brown anything: You can eat literally as much of it as you like so long as it’s brown. Might as well be lettuce.
- Lattes: I’ll just have three of these coffees and I won’t have breakfast. No solids. Does this mean I’ve got an eating disorder?
- Hummus with pitta bread: I’m basically on the Mediterranean diet, skipping through olive groves, which means I’ll not only live until I’m a hundred but I’ll look like Sophia Loren in about five minutes. Such good OILS in hummus.
- Sugar-free sweets: An entire food group if I can just ignore the effect Sorbitol has on my tummy. Oh God. Back in a minute…
- Diet Coke: As in ‘Can I have a Big Mac meal and a Diet Coke?’ Because the Diet Coke will make it ALL GO AWAY.
- Baked crisps.
- Juice: We now know that juice is basically a Mars Bar in a glass. AKA Satan’s sperm.
I’m Absolutely Fine! The Manual for Imperfect Women is out in paperback now
