cruella devil, 101 dalmatians, illusion, nice person, pretend, fake

Things that destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person

Someone walking slowly in front of me

Why is it that some people behave as if they WANT you to kill them? Why do they only materialise when you are in a rush? Why do they then walk down the middle of the pavement? How are they even allowed out of their homes unsupervised? Why are they staring at you just because you muttered, ‘Get the f**k out of my f**king way,’ like YOU’RE the one with the problem?

The supermarket changing everything around

Oh, right. So apparently I’ve got two spare hours to find everything that you’ve moved in here. Bread is where the tea was. Cereal is now tinned fish. This was not meant to be an orienteering exercise. Are you expecting me to get a map and compass out FFS?

Tourists standing on the left hand side of the escalator

*loud, patronising voice* ‘EXCUSE ME, PLEASE!’ *accompanied by infuriated sigh, slight shake of head, rolling eyes, whispering of ancient curse*


Please meet my evil twin. She takes over my body when I get behind the wheel of my car. I will now behave like a Viking raiding a peaceful village until we get to our destination, where normality will then resume.

When the dress I was eyeing for a long time suddenly sells out

I will turn this world upside down until I find it, do not speak to me or ask me any questions or breathe near me until I do!

I drop my iPhone

It’s funny how a split second can change your life. One minute, everything is normal. The next, your iPhone is bouncing across the pavement, breaking every bone in its body. You pick it up, staring into its shattered screen and feel your soul shatter with it, as the scream of anguish rises up from the depths of your being. You will now be borderline dangerous until this horror is put right.

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