outbreak, contagious, contamination, protective gear, allergy, allergic reaction, epidemic

Things we are allergic to

Allergies continue to be big news. Gluten, penicillin, non-biological washing powder, nuts, hair dye and the rest. Itchy. But what about the stuff that brings us out in an emotional rash? The stuff that gives us a kind of internal inflammation. That sounds revolting. And sometimes it is. Increasingly we find that we are not managing our reactions; that we are developing allergies immune to anti-histamines. Like…

Anyone who sends 25 texts in a row

Get your thoughts together people. It’s stressful, this multi-texting. Yes we understand you might be doing it for dramatic effect, but we have enough drama without the pinging.


There you are minding your own business, when suddenly KALE. The texture of a shredded utility bill, along with a stalk that is definitely going to take one of our crowns down AND pepper our teeth like a forest floor. What’s wrong with spinach? Bring back spinach.

Changing room lighting

The opposite of an Instagram filter. How to look instantly dead, or as if you are covered in someone else’s – must be someone else’s, right? – lumpy skin. It’s a high-definition nightmare. Why don’t shops understand that, in order to sell more clothes, we need a candlelit environment with smoky mirrors and an ocean breeze?

Anyone who starts a sentence with “I am not being funny but…”

We are sure of one thing – they are not about to be funny. Bitchy, maybe. Hectoring, perhaps. Boring, probably. But not funny.

Plane loos

Surely the mile-high thing is a myth. Who has ever been turned on in a plane loo? Tear-inducing blue rinse smell, the fear of the ‘Please return to your seats’ before you are done and the plane bouncing around and you ending up in the septic tank. The least sexy, most stressy place in the known universe.

Restaurant people who hover…

….and wait and wait right above our heads. Wait and wait for a window in which to insert ‘How is everything?’ Except there is no window. Because we are really talking. Maybe it’s romantic. Or deep. Or combative. Except now we have lost out thread because they are looming. If it wasn’t fine we’d let you know, guys. What’s the point of the looming? Is this silly customer service training?


Aren’t they so nineties? So ouchy. And silly. And uncomfortable. And the chafing. Why would we? In fact, why did we? An entire decade lost to crack.

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