Autumn weather is so great they say. We love Autumn Weather (AW) because it’s like spring and summer and winter rolled into one, they say. Except getting dressed is even more of a nightmare. You are only at optimum temperature for about 3 seconds of the day. Most of the time you are playing a wild game of wardrobe roulette…
The Sweat-er
By lunchtime you have sweat seeping out of your every pore. You have a slick of slightly thick liquid gathered in your cleavage. You cannot take the jumper off because they will be able to see your sweat patches from space. And smell them. Your skin is salty. If someone licked you they might get kidney failure. And the heat is spreading. Your hair is hot. Your thighs are hot and smooshing. You feel completely unable to make any decisions and you want to move into the fridge for both reasons of coolness and also to comfort eat.
Sweat-er Part II… The Revenge
Maybe you find a jumper round your shoulders like one of those Italian princelings who – after accumulating generations of genetic memory – has mastered the art of tying jumpers around their shoulders elegantly. Except the jumper is garotting you and making your neck sweat. You didn’t know necks could sweat but there no longer seems to be a part of you that doesn’t sweat. It’s like one hot bit triggers the entire bit. Your toes are sweaty.
Coat Tales
It was new in 2019 but you hardly wore it because you haven’t been anywhere smart and you couldn’t bear to wear it to the park x 1000. At the tiniest hint of a cool breeze you slip it out of its moth protector bag thing and put it on. You leave the house, not before experimenting with wearing it thrown over your shoulders like a fashion editor for about 20 minutes. You do not look like a fashion editor. Running late, you try running. By the time you get to the tube you are so hot you think that hell itself might have taken up residence in your body. You take off your coat. You try and fit it in your bag. You start stuffing it in your bag. It’s so expensive your inner child wails. Now you can hardly lift said bag or fit it under your arm. You throw it on your back, looking like a demented donkey. You are braying in misery. And hot. So hot.
Sandal Shitshow
Too late you realise that you last had a pedicure in July. And it was shellac. So your toes are patchy red claws hanging over the edge. Your heels could lacerate an unwitting passer-by. Without thinking, you cross your legs on the tube, and you need stitches. You are basically a mythically horrible creature. Not even a horrible mythical creature… Forgettable. But vile.
Out In the Cold
You are so hot from running around in the morning, and scarred from your jumper/coat experiences that you slip on a cotton dress. You skip out of the house, looking forward to feeling the heat of the day. You have forgotten about air conditioning (set at man temperature rather than women temperature). You’ve forgotten about September rain. You are so cold, your teeth are chattering. Your skin resembles a plucked goose with those stray feathers. At lunchtime you have to go out to buy a jumper. Now you look like a girl who is just about to go off and join a nunnery. AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.
