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Is stoned sex better than drunk sex?

Obviously you need to know the answer to this most crucial of questions. Not to be disrespectful or anything, but sometimes sex needs a bit of a… nudge in the right direction. Should we pass the daiquiri or the doobie, before we Netflix and chill? Which these days, you might remember, counter-intuitively does not mean watch Orange is The New Black and fall asleep on the sofa, but means actual sex.

So we are incredibly grateful to the researchers from New York University’s Centre for Drug Use and HIV Research who painstakingly decided to lay this quandary to rest once and for all. They looked at adults who engaged in sex while either drunk on alcohol or high on marijuana and asked them questions. Questions like “Do you remember having sex at all?”, “was it good for you?” to establish whether they were engaged in the act, focused on their partner, glad they even bothered and generally enjoyed the whole thing. All asked in, we imagine, a brisk, stick-to-the-facts kind of way.

So based on the information given to them by those pioneering shagging guinea pigs, they found that, overall, drunk sex is riskier and worse for you than sex while high. “Alcohol was more likely than marijuana to lead to atypical partner choice [beer goggles] or post-sex regret [Have we met? We’ve shagged? Oh Jesus I need to get help]”, the scientists reported. The masters of sex also noted that, while both alcohol and marijuana helped lower inhibition and increased feelings of self-attractiveness, alcohol was more likely to decrease satisfaction. In other words, alcohol makes you horny and slutty but a bit incapable. Weed is the way forward… if you can be bothered to remove yourself from the fridge.

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